FistShark Marketing 01: Dean Cain The Dog Walker is the first recording of FistShark Marketing's meetings. In this episode, the executives suggest an idea as to Dean Cain's new career path, look for ways to fix Val Kilmer, find out what Corey Feldman means by "pornog", and come up with ways to make fannypacks popular again.
Summary[]
Dean Cain, Dog Walker[]
Jim begins with a short role call of the other executives (Conrad and Caitlin), and states that the last fiscal year closed very successfully, as he believes FistShark ended it with "...more NASDAQs than anyone...". However many problems still persist, the biggest one being with Dean Cain. Jim explains that he had a meeting with Dean last Thursday, where they discussed Dean's career. Although Dean wants to keep acting, Jim says that those days are long gone, and that he should exit the limelight and enter a career as an impersonator of the guy who played the Red Power Ranger for parties. Dean didn't like the idea, however and kicked the leg of Jim's desk, and although Jim explained that the Red Power Ranger is a TV icon, Dean wouldn't have it. Caitlin asks Jim if he suggested to Dean the idea of taking off his clothes for these parties (Essentially a stripper), which Jim didn't and acknowledges he blew it there, but Jim also says that Dean is sensitive on the subject of his body, having low self-esteem about his thigh muscles, and every time Jim takes the subject to Dean, he gets dark about it. Conrad says Dean's sensitivities are obvious, as he only wears a pair of loose and extremely baggy sweatpants, whose elastic is likely long gone and are only held up by string. Jim says he's only trying to help Dean out by suggesting these jobs, such as the dog walking gig which Conrad suggested. Conrad thought it was obvious, since Dean doesn't do anything, and all Dean has to do is go from door to door looking for a home which has a dog, break into a home which has one, and go walk the dog. Conrad then claims that if he does this enough times, he could make a whole herd of dogs, and people could start calling him up since Dean is the Dog Walker. Jim even says that Dean could be put into the newspapers as "Dean Cain, Executive Dog Walker for Hire." and that Dean will easily make "an hundred Pounds".
How Do We Fix Val Kilmer?[]
Jim asks the other execs the question that has been plaguing them - "How are we gonna fix Val Kilmer?" Caitlin claims that the task is impossible, and that money keeps flowing in from Val. This is because Val keeps calling FistShark, mistaking it for a Pizza Delivery Company, and FistShark humors him by taking his payment and never delivering the pizza (Val, it seems, orders from whatever place he's able to contact, so he ends up actually getting the pizza delivered.). Caitlin asks if there have been any attempts to stop this by not allowing Val any toppings (They haven't.), but Jim claims that the toppings Val has been ordering have become nonsensical, if not eldritch, as the notes Craig the Intern have took during these faux orders have revealed to have had many mentions of skin. Jim goes on to claim that the nonsensical nature of Val is part of his problem, and if he actually comes into a meeting, whether Val is talking about his career or a ritual is indistinguishable, and because of this, people don't warm up to him as often as he was when he was The Man Who Played The Batman. Conrad then joins the subject, discussing Val's "mass", as the last time he saw Val, he believed he was auditioning for the Michelin Man. Jim defends Val, comparing him to John Candy, but Conrad in turn says that if you look at John Candy today, "he's really thinned out", leading Jim to say that Val is like the Anti-John Candy.
Jim proposes that the way to fix Val is by coming up with a fake controversy. Jim says that they should cook up a gay affair (Noting that it's overplayed.) by paying an actor to "come out", but Conrad disagrees, since those headlines barely make a wave in headlines anymore, which Caitlin agrees, since they tried it with Ellen Page as well. Jim, confused about this, asks if him still being attracted to her makes him gay. Caitlin says this does, and soon all the execs realize that they've accidentally limited their options, since they've made most of America gay and they won't be able to get much headlines with Val coming out. Jim says it won't do if they leave it there, so he suggests that instead of gay, they make it pederasty, letting Val as the "pederast for the 21st century", and make pederasty progressive. Conrad and Caitlin agree, and Jim tells Conrad to call the guy who played the kid in Terminator 2: Judgement Day (Ed Furlong), see if he's still a kid, and then see if he'd like to do a photo-shoot in a bathtub with Val. Caitlin say that Ed may be too young, and asks if they should find someone younger, but Jim says that someone too young would be wrong. Conrad then asks what Shirley Temple is doing these days.
Feldman Hunts for Pornog[]
Conrad talks about Corey Feldman, whom had recently became a client for FistShark. Conrad fears that Corey may not know what FistShark does, as Corey came to the office one week, where he hung out in the lobby, and when Conrad was leaving, Corey gestured him over, and discreetly asks if Conrad wants to get some "pornog", which Conrad did not understand, thinking it was some kind of new electric music. Jim decides to search up "pornog", while Caitlin suggests it may be some kind of eggnog drink. Jim sees that pornog is a jargon term for pornography, which Conrad found out when he was brought to the railyard by Corey, where he searched through the garbage and found a 6-month-old copy of Hustler, reeking of urine, which he still happily pocketed. Although Jim is proud of Corey's determination in keeping the horribly urine-stenched magazine, he finds the whole act disconcerting, as Corey, when he first signed up, gave the condition that Jim would go into a corner store and by him a "Jazz" magazine, which Jim similarly didn't understand, instead buying a copy of NME, upsetting Corey. Jim then wonders if Corey knows that he can easily find pornographic material, instead of prowling through garbage for a porn magazine. Conrad says he understands not wanting to be so open, Corey being a celebrity and all, but he doesn't know why Corey has to be so vague about asking. Caitlin then claims that Corey got mad at Craig the Intern for buying butt magazines (Conrad commenting that Corey is "apparently not an assman".), and Jim says that he picked up Corey's distaste for ass, to a point of being actively against them (Philosophically.).
Fannyback[]
Jim announces that he has some great news, as Chungusbrown* Branding has offered them the account for their new range of fannypacks. He congratulates Caitlin for her willingness to go on a date with the CEO in order to get this account before getting to the obvious problem: Fannypacks have an "uncool" stigma to them, and that they are not viewed as fashionable by the general public. Because of this, Jim is hoping that they can figure out a way to make them popular and trendy again. The new fannypacks come in a wide array of colors, and try to present themselves as "artisan", even using a material called elasticsbrown* as lining, which allows it to keep things fresh. Some people report a chemical taste and a "darkening" of the tongue, but FistShark's scientists say that what comes out is still edible, so they'll just push on. Jim goes on to say that they can offer a whole variety of fannypacks for things, such as the wrist, the neck ("the fannycollar"), and even one for the back (The titular "fannyback".), where the R&D have taken the original pack, enlarged it, attached two straps to it, and allow it to be carried by the back. Conrad says that this line of products will be great for schools, since kids lose shit, and if they had something that could attach to them, then the problem won't be as bad. He then suggests that these fannybacks could have hooks that sink into the flesh so they can be permanently attached to the kids, so that they never lose their stuff again. Jim chips in to say that some may reject the idea of being forced to wear something, but reassures the other executives that they need only to make it cool to kids by having a mascot; Jim himself has been working with animators in Slaatvania, who have made a new cartoon show about a superhero who uses fannypacks to solve crime, which are strapped all over him and his body, and which contain weapons for killing all enemies of America.
Trivia[]
- First establishment/mention of:
- Craig the Intern
- Dean Cain
- Val Kilmer
- Slaatvania
Notes[]
*Wording/spelling is not officially confirmed. If you are more clear on what this is, please give an edit!